Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating