Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?