Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is so me 😂😂

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Muppet Screams

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*