Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

it was love at first sight

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.