I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
house sitting!
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate