Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”