Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

put ‘er there pardner!

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Never forget.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!