I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
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[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist