I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
You Might Also Like
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan