I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
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Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
operators are standing by to ignore your call
me after drinking all the wine:
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?