Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

A man tells his doctor he applied the haemorrhoid cream and got a nasty reaction.
“Where did you apply it?” asked the doctor.

He replied: “On the bus.”

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”