I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
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Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work