I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
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Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.