Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

I think I’m having a stroke

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.