I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
oh u like geography? name every lake
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.