I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
✌🏽
Saturday
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.