I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.