I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
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[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too