I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
You Might Also Like
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
realest tweet ever.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though