Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.