I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
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Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.