Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Good for him.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop