Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

omg leave her alone

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.