I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
You Might Also Like
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense