I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
You Might Also Like
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Am getting real tired of your crap…
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
This is the best one I’ve seen
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat