Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Discuss

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for