I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
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[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter