I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
he looks great for his age
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)