Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

Same post same

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

I just tested negative for patience.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”