I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
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No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Some people were born into their job.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.