I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly