BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.