I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.
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I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
“So we kill a tree”
“And put it inside our house”
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Just ordered me some pizza!