I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.