I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*