I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
