I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I think I’m having a stroke
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.