Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

I am never leaving this website

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in