Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

my fav colour is also hitler

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

🤔😂😂

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Unexpected Judgment

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)