I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think