Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.