I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
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Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Omg 🤣
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.