Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.