I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
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“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I like crazy people until they notice me
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.