Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

So, can we agree on 4 or

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Put the is in disheveled

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.