i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
<—- homeless romantic
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails