Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean