Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.