Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Venn

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

sugar glider wrangler

The cats activated the rainbow portal again