I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
channeling her this year
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….