I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it