I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Sign of the day..
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
😅🤣😂
favorite tropes as memes
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.