I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
