I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
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You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍