I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*