I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
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