I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
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Customer is always right
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”