Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

how high up are we talkin’?

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

bro what is going on at twitter

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.