Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

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jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

she has a point

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.