“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Sir!!
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd