Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors