I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
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I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.