i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
how high up are we talkin’?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Twitter remains undefeated
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!