i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
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You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.