i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
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It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.