Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour