I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
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*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
So sick of all these stupid rules
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
*limbos under the caution tape
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.