i want the dreams to chase me for once
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
6: are snakes just neck?
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”