i want the dreams to chase me for once
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was