i want the dreams to chase me for once
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If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I think I’m having a stroke
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival