Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

In Canada they just call them geese

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]