I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
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“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Thank you 🥹
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.