I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
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Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic