I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir