My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
#oldknees
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Saw your ex at the shops
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Lmfao
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.