i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
You Might Also Like
No regrets in 2018
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.