i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
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No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”