Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point